Love Letter

It’s raining.

It has been for a while.

The droplets trickle making a sound of a clock ticking.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

But maybe it’s not a clock. Maybe it’s a time bomb.

Who cares!

I cannot remember the last time I sat down

on one of the chairs in Hyde park with that kid.

It must have been eons ago because

I don’t remember his name.

I played tricks with his mind and weaved a web of lies

between us until the threads could not hold us together.

Now I don’t know who fooled who.

All I know is that I lied to us both.

Ha, the irony!

Oh I just happened to remember that monologue

while walking past the park and watching an Asian

couple sitting on the ground frantically searching for something.

Maybe it’s her ring they lost in the grass and maybe it’s not.

But what the fuck do I care.

I wore mine only for five weeks then threw it safely into a box

and locked it away.

It was a child’s play for me that made me laugh.

I still laugh sometimes.

While walking I realize,

I am wearing those black boots today that have a zip by the side of

their laces so I never have to tie them.

That’s called convenience motherfuckers.

I am also wearing a chain around my neck.

Its pendent says “God” in Arabic.

Maybe he’s with me. Maybe he’s not.

That’s one thing I care about but often neglect to see it.

I am grateful. Truly I am

because I fell asleep for a few minutes in the afternoon today.

I told my mum that I loved her after I woke up and ate lots of carbs.

I am truly enjoying the people in my life these days.

They are different to the ones I had couple of years back.

Would I have a different set of people next year in my life?

Oh I don’t know. All I know is that figs are a blessing from heavens.

I am eating them with a loaf of bread and wondering

“What if I crashed an Oldsmobile 442 into a Tree?”

But unlike Jackson Pollock, my paintings are not complete.

They certainly don’t cost millions.

So then what’a fucking point of dying early?

One would say “ Isn't sleep enough?”

But then I almost never sleep so what the fuck would I know?

All I know is that I am not in agreement with death these days.

It’s a good sign. It just means I am happy.

Oh by the way, I've just written you all a love letter.

I hope you read it.

Truly.

 24.02.2013

All encompassing

I feel forced to obey you.

And I think to myself

“Aren’t disappointments in life enough?”

She thinks. She stutters. She whispers.

She carried an ounce of him for a few weeks

in her womb and she could not even bring herself

to tell him.

She was left to figure it out all on her own.

You’re callous. You’re kind. You’re all encompassing.

Who am I to question your paradigms

when my own deeds define my own past.

I cannot be left alone

and yet I cannot walk among the righteous.

They’ve drawn the line. They all stand on one end.

On the other, it is I.

To what end shall I consider my fate stand crumbling?

She deceived herself. She felt loved.

Then she stumbled across the only truth worth knowing.

I’ve felt it. I’ve touched it. I’ve tasted it.

Yet I’m confused.

Would you just let me go on and let it be

the way it all is?

Or would it all end one day

and I’ll start another life to see yet another era?

Could you just… would you just…

Hold me alone. Hold me close. Hold me still.

I’ve been too happy and I’m afraid,

I may run into a wall.

15^th January 2013