She had brown hair and a jaded look.
She had scarred tissues inside her skin that you couldn't see.
She was a stranger to you even when you held her lying in her bed.
I kept spinning and spinning until my thoughts switched sporadically to our fucking happiness.
"Ours" was the monosyllable that now makes my stomach churn with disgust.
So politely you patted my back and said "I want you to be OK" and quickly shifted your attention to the idiocy of your previous affairs.
I didn't understand you because I refused to accept myself the way I was.
I had fucked around in my unstained sheets until you came around.
It was then I thought I could fix my problems by turning to you and hope for the best.
In awe you used to smile and say "Where did you come from?" when I had fallen in romance with the Autumn.
But the bitch in me couldn't stand your unsheathed affection and planted a small ruthless idea in your head.
It was that unforgivable night when I rolled over in my lies and said I loved you.
There was nothing else to say or do except for one last thing; give you the excuse to bail out.
And oh I did! Like a fucking commoner you jumped at it.
You kissed the top of my forehead for the last time bidding me goodbye in silence.
You knew I would smile for you.
You knew I'd stay quiet for you.
You knew that I had lost the friend I had in you.
So foolishly you kept your indifference thinking it will go unnoticed.
Oh you must have thought "How terrible of me!"
But baby with what face would I ever tell you that whatever we endured; good or bad was my own doing.
I deceived myself to believe I could trust the lover in you that didn't exist to begin with.
I hated myself so much so that I could inject you with confusion and panic and in return all you could offer me was my own self-infliction.
I vomited out your pathetic soliloquies when you couldn't smell the stench of my fear.
Then I laughed at us and what was to become of us.
Pray I ask, did you not hear her fall while you turned away?
You must have felt a pulse? Perhaps a heartbeat?
And now she carries an ounce of you in her womb and doesn't know what to say to you.
So now I am doing what I know to be the only truth; blindfold myself to ignore your existence that's nothing but a sham.
Yes it's an art to walk away quietly and I haven't even given you the pleasure of seeing that yet.
5th May 2012 - 16th June 2012
